How to make women desire you

how to make women desire you

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Jan 22, 2009  · Full of scientific exuberance, Chivers has struggled to make sense of her data. She struggled when we first spoke in Toronto, and she struggled, unflagging. How To Make A Girl Fall In Love With You - What Girls Really Want

By DANIEL BERGNER JAN. The bonobo film was part of a series of related experiments she has carried out over the past several years.

She showed the short movie to men and women, straight and gay. To the same subjects, she also showed clips of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, a chiseled man walking naked on a beach and a well-toned woman doing calisthenics in the nude. While the subjects watched on a computer screen, Chivers, who favors high boots and fashionable rectangular glasses, measured their arousal in two ways, objectively and subjectively.

The participants sat in a brown leatherette La-Z-Boy chair in her small lab at the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, a prestigious psychiatric teaching hospital affiliated with the University of Toronto, where Chivers was a postdoctoral fellow and where I first talked with her about her research a few years ago.

The genitals of the volunteers were connected to plethysmographs — for the men, an apparatus that fits over the penis and gauges its swelling ; for the women, a little plastic probe that sits in the vagina and, by bouncing light off the vaginal walls, measures genital blood flow.

An engorgement of blood spurs a lubricating process called vaginal transudation: the seeping of moisture through the walls. The participants were also given a keypad how to make women desire you that they could rate how aroused they felt. Males who identified themselves as straight swelled while gazing at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women.

They were mostly unmoved when the screen displayed only men. Gay males were aroused in the opposite categorical pattern. Any expectation that the animal sex would speak to something primitive within the men seemed to be mistaken; neither straights nor gays were stirred by the bonobos.

And for the male participants, the subjective ratings on the keypad matched the readings of the plethysmograph. All was different with the women. No matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, they showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the girls to sex offered men with men, women with women and women with men. They responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man, and their blood flow rose quickly — and markedly, though to a lesser degree than during all the human scenes except the footage of the ambling, strapping man — as they watched the apes.

And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person. During shots of lesbian coupling, heterosexual women reported less excitement than their vaginas indicated; watching gay men, they reported a great deal less; and viewing heterosexual intercourse, they reported much more.

Among the lesbian volunteers, the two readings converged when women appeared on the screen. But when the films featured only men, the lesbians reported less engagement than the plethysmograph recorded. Whether straight or gay, the women claimed almost no arousal whatsoever while staring at the bonobos, how to make women desire you. She struggled when we first spoke in Toronto, and she struggled, unflagging, as we sat last October in her university office in Kingston, a room she keeps spare to help her mind stay clear to contemplate the intricacies of the erotic.

The cinder-block walls are unadorned except for three photographs she took of a temple in India featuring carvings of an entwined couple, an orgy and a man copulating with a horse. Who am I to study women, when I am a man?

But the discipline remains male-dominated. But soon the AIDS epidemic lady sexually the attention of the field, putting a priority on prevention and making desire not an emotion to explore but an element to be feared, a source of epidemiological disaster.

One study, how to make women desire you instance, published this month in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior by the Kinsey Institute psychologist Heather Rupp, uses magnetic resonance imaging to show that, during the hormonal shifts of ovulation, certain brain regions in heterosexual women are more intensely activated by male faces with especially masculine features.

Intriguing glimmers have come not only from female scientists. Richard Lippa, a psychologist at California State University, Fullerton, has employed surveys of thousands of subjects to demonstrate over the past few years that while men with high sex drives report an even more polarized pattern of attraction than most males to women for heterosexuals and to men for homosexualsin women the opposite is generally true: the higher the drive, the greater the attraction to both sexes, though this may not be so for lesbians.

Investigating the culmination of female desire, Barry Komisaruk, a neuroscientist at Rutgers University, has subjects bring themselves to orgasm while lying with their heads in an fM.

But Chivers, with plenty of self-doubting humor, told me that she hopes one day to develop a scientifically supported model to explain female sexual response, though she wrestles, for the moment, with the preliminary bits of perplexing evidence she has collected — with the question, first, of why women are aroused physiologically by such a wider range of stimuli than men.

Are men simply more inhibited, how to make women desire you, more constrained by the bounds of culture? Chivers has tried to eliminate this explanation by including male-to-female transsexuals as subjects in one of her series of experiments one that showed only human sex.

These trans women, both those who were heterosexual and those who were homosexual, responded genitally and subjectively in categorical ways. They responded like men, how to make women desire you. This seemed to point to an inborn system of arousal. Early results from a similar Bailey study with female subjects suggest the same absence of suppression.

For Chivers, this bolsters the possibility that the distinctions in her data between men and women — including the divergence in women between objective and subjective responses, between body and mind — arise from innate factors rather than forces of culture.

One manifestation of this split has come in experimental attempts to use Viagra-like drugs to treat women who complain of deficient desire. Desire, it seems, is usually in steady supply. In women, though, the main difficulty appears to be in the mind, not the body, so the physiological effects of the drugs have proved irrelevant.

As with other such drugs, one worry was that it would dull the libido. Yet in early trials, while it showed little promise for relieving depression, it left female — but not male — subjects feeling increased lust. Testosterone, so vital to male libido, appears crucial to females as well, and in drug trials involving postmenopausal women, testosterone patches have increased sexual activity. For the discord, in women, between the body and the mind, she has deliberated over all sorts of explanations, the simplest being anatomy.

The penis is external, its reactions more readily perceived and pressing upon consciousness. Women might more likely have grown up, for reasons of both bodily architecture and culture — and here was culture again, undercutting clarity — with a dimmer awareness of the erotic messages of their genitals. Chivers said she has considered, too, research suggesting that men are better able than women to perceive increases in heart rate at moments of heightened stress and that men may rely more on such physiological signals to define their emotional states, while women depend more on situational cues.

So there are hints, she told me, that the disparity between the objective and the subjective might exist, for women, in areas other than sex. And this disconnection, according to yet another study she mentioned, is accentuated in women with acutely negative feelings about their own bodies. Lust, in this formulation, resides in the subjective, the cognitive; physiological arousal reveals little about desire.

She has confronted clinical research reporting not only genital arousal but also the occasional occurrence of orgasm during sexual assault.

And she has recalled her own experience as a therapist with victims who recounted these physical responses. She is familiar, as well, with the preliminary results of a laboratory study showing surges of vaginal blood flow as subjects listen to descriptions of rape scenes.

So, in an attempt to understand arousal in the context of unwanted sex, how to make women desire you, Chivers, like a handful of other sexologists, has arrived at an evolutionary hypothesis that stresses the difference between reflexive sexual readiness how to make women desire you desire.

Ancestral women who did not show an automatic vaginal response to sexual cues may have been more likely to experience injuries during unwanted vaginal penetration that resulted in illness, infertility or even death, and thus would be less likely to have passed on this trait to their offspring. And she wondered if the theory explained why heterosexual women responded genitally more to the exercising woman than to the ambling man.

You need something complementary. But it will offer too a glimpse into the role of relationships in female eros. Chivers is perpetually devising experiments to perform in the future, and one would test how tightly linked the system of arousal is to the mechanisms of desire. She would like to follow the sexual behavior of women in the days after they are exposed to stimuli in her lab. If stimuli that cause physiological response — but that do not elicit a positive rating on the keypad — lead to increased erotic fantasies, masturbation or sexual activity with a partner, then she could deduce a tight link.

Though women may not want, in reality, what such stimuli present, Chivers could begin to infer that what is judged unappealing does, nevertheless, turn women on. The relationship with DeGeneres ended after two years, and Heche went on to marry a man.

Diamond is a tireless researcher. From her analysis of the many shifts they made between sexual identities and from their detailed descriptions of their erotic lives, Diamond argues that for her participants, and quite possibly for women on the whole, desire is malleable, that it cannot be captured by asking women to categorize their attractions at any single point, that to do so is to apply a male paradigm of more fixed sexual orientation.

Among the women in her group who called themselves lesbian, to take one bit of the evidence she assembles to back her ideas, just one-third reported attraction solely to women as her research unfolded. And with the other two-thirds, the explanation for their periodic attraction to men was not a cultural pressure to conform but rather a genuine desire.

But she emphasized that the pattern for her group over the years, both in the changing categories they chose and in the stories they told, was toward an increased sense of malleability.

If female eros found its true expression over the course of her long research, then flexibility is embedded in the nature of female desire. One reason for this phenomenon, she how to make women desire you, may be found in oxytocin, a neurotransmitter unique to mammalian brains.

For Diamond, all of this helps to explain why, in women, the link between intimacy and desire is especially potent. View all New York Times newsletters. She is now formulating an explanatory model of female desire that will appear later this year in Annual Review of Sex Research. She spun numerous Hula-Hoops around her minimal waist and was hoisted by a cable high above the audience, where she spread her legs wider than seemed humanly possible.

The male, without an erection, is announcing a lack of arousal. The critical part played by being desired, Julia Heiman observed, is an emerging theme in the current study of female sexuality. Meana made clear, during our conversations in a casino bar and on the U.

With her graduate student Amy Lykins, she published, in Archives of Sexual Behavior last year, a study of visual attention in heterosexual men and women. Wearing goggles that track eye movement, her subjects looked at pictures of heterosexual foreplay.

The men stared far more at the females, their faces and bodies, than at the males. The women gazed equally at the two genders, their eyes drawn to the faces of the men and to the bodies of the women — to the facial expressions, perhaps, of men in states of wanting, and to the sexual allure embodied in the female figures. Meana has learned too from her attempts as a clinician to help patients with dyspareunia. Though she explained that the condition, which can make intercourse excruciating, is not in itself a disorder of low desire, she said that her patients reported reduced genital pain as their desire increased.

She rolled her eyes at such niceties. The generally accepted therapeutic notion that, for women, incubating intimacy leads to better sex is, Meana told me, often misguided. But Meana conceives of those systems in a different way than her colleague. On the one hand, as Meana constructs things, there is the drive of sheer lust, and on the other the impetus of value. The ravisher is so overcome by a craving focused on this particular woman that he cannot contain himself; he transgresses societal codes in order to seize her, and she, feeling herself to be the unique object of his desire, is electrified by her own reactive charge and surrenders.

Meana apologized for the regressive, anti-feminist sound of the scene. Earlier, she showed me, as a joke, a photograph of two control panels, one representing the workings of male desire, the second, female, the first with only a simple on-off switch, the second with countless knobs.

Women want a caveman and caring. If I had to pick an actor who embodies all the qualities, all the contradictions, it would be Denzel Washington. He communicates that kind of power and that he is a good man. The appeal is, above all, paradoxical, Meana pointed out: rape means having no control, while fantasy is a domain manipulated by the self. She stressed the vast difference between the pleasures of the imagined and the how to make women desire you of the real. Chivers, too, struggled over language about this subject.

The topic arose because I had been drawn into her ceaseless puzzling, as could easily happen when we spent time together. I had been thinking about three ideas from our many talks: the power, for women, in being desired; the keen excitement stoked by descriptions of sex with make wife horney and her positing of distinct systems of arousal and desire.

This last concept seemed to confound a simpler truth, that women associate lubrication with being turned on. She was sifting through data from her study of genital and subjective responses to audiotaped sex scenes. She highlighted and deleted one aberrant moment, then continued peering, how to make women desire you. She would search in this way for about two hours in preparing the guaranteed way to get laid of a single subject.

Chivers was constantly conjuring studies she wanted to carry out, but with numberless aberrant spikes to detect and cleanse, how many could she possibly complete in one lifetime? How many could be done by all the sexologists in the world who focus on female desire, whether they were wiring women with plethysmographs or mapping the activity of their brains in fM. What more could sexologists ever provide than intriguing hints and fragmented insights and contradictory conclusions? Could any conclusion encompass the erotic drives of even one woman?

Chivers, perhaps precisely because her investigations are incisive and her thinking so relentless, sometimes seemed on the verge of contradicting her own provisional conclusions. She spoke about helping women bring their subjective sense of lust into agreement with their genital arousal as an approach to aiding those who complain that desire eludes them.

She allowed that it might. The giant forest seemed, so often, too complex for comprehension. Why is it so frightening? It was possible to imagine, then, that a scientist blinded by staring at red lines on her computer screen, or blinded by peering at any accumulation of data — a scientist contemplating, in darkness, the paradoxes of female desire — would see just as well.

Daniel Bergner is a contributing writer for the magazine. Tell us what you think. Please upgrade your browser. The New York Times. Magazine What Do Women Want? Clear this text input. Continue reading the main story. You must select a newsletter to subscribe to. Thank you for subscribing. An error has occurred. Please try again later. You are already subscribed to this email, how to make women desire you. Maker Plays Up Sexual Disorder, With a Pill in Waiting.

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How to make women desire you - Free Sex

Below are some of the comments I received in italics , along with my responses. Yes, a big generalization, but it just feels largely true to me. It is a totally different game now. Sex is, and always should be considered as a priceless gift to be cherished and shared with each person who shares this value, and commitment should be there for any number of relationships, but because our twisted social structure tries to embrace pagan jealousy as a virtue, our homes and marriages get tangled and ruined with the disease of jealousy. So this guy could also do this just because you and him have a fight…or you are pregnant, or sick, or away on business, or any other valid reason that makes you unavailable to him. Maybe the guy who you dated for several months also had hook-ups on the side.

How to make women desire you - Mommy

They were passionate about this, and would try to justify to me why it was Ok to kick her to the curb. Women can be very horny too. Below are some of the comments I received in italics , along with my responses. She should not be surprised when he is either having affairs or using hookers. I generally feel pretty intimidated before approaching a man at a bar with an all male group of several friends. how to make women desire you

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